Life Goes On, and So Does Love

Today, I'm going to be talking about a topic that might be hard for some of you to read. This is probably my fifth time trying to write this blog, and every time I get a few sentences in, I need to stop. But one thing about me is that I like to write, I like to talk, and I like to inspire.

So, I thank you in advance for taking the time to read this blog, allowing me to share my life and feelings with you, and I hope that maybe you can take something away from it.

For those of you who haven't heard, back in July, my father passed away in a tragic car accident. I've been through a lot in my life, but this will forever be one of the saddest days embedded in my memory. From receiving the call that there had been an accident, to seeing him for the first time in a hospital bed, to seeing him for the last time during the honor walk, these are memories that bring tears to my eyes every time I think about them.

Those are moments I never imagined I would have to experience, moments I wish I could erase from my memory. But they're also moments that have completely changed the way I look at life.

I've never fully understood death. I would occasionally think about how terrible it would be to lose someone in my family, but I never imagined that day would come so soon. Death is inevitable. Losing someone you love is, unfortunately, something many of us will experience in our lifetime. It's one of the hardest realities of life, knowing that one day, we all have to say goodbye.

But even with death, there is life.

We live one life. That life can be long, that life can be short, but regardless of how long we're here, life is meant to be enjoyed.

I think one of the hardest things about losing someone unexpectedly is realizing how quickly everything can change. We wake up every morning expecting tomorrow to come. We make plans for next week, next month, and next year, never really thinking about the possibility that those moments might not come.

And I don't say that to scare anyone. I say that because sometimes I think we forget how precious life really is.

We spend so much of our lives worrying about things that won't matter in the end. We wait for the perfect moments to do things we've always wanted to do, but what if that perfect moment never comes?

That's something I know my dad would want me to remember. He would want me to continue living life and becoming the best version of myself. He wouldn't want me to put my life on hold or spend the rest of it living in sadness. He would want me to grow, learn, laugh, live, and love.

And for any of you who have lost a loved one, I truly believe they would want the same for you.

Being sad is okay. Missing them is okay. Continuing to love them is okay. Being happy is okay. And most importantly, continuing to live your life to the fullest is okay, too.

Because moving forward doesn't mean forgetting them, and finding happiness again doesn't mean you miss them any less.

Grief is weird. One second, everything is great. You're happy, smiling, laughing, and feeling at peace. And then, one thought later, you're in tears. A memory pops into your head, something you see reminds you of them, and before you know it, you're right back in that sadness.

Grief is hard, confusing, and unpredictable. But I believe every tear is one step closer to finding happiness again.

I don't want to tell you that one day you'll be completely healed, because the truth is, you may never fully heal from losing someone you love. And that's okay. But I do believe you can learn to heal around that loss. You can find happiness again, continue growing, and become someone they would be proud of.

And that's something I've struggled with throughout all of this. The thought that constantly crosses my mind: "Is my dad still proud of me?"

My dad is officially the first person in my family to know what I do for work, and that's something I've struggled with. Not because I'm ashamed of what I do, because that's not the case. But because I know it's not necessarily the line of work a father would imagine his daughter being in.

But I do believe my dad would be proud of me. Proud of the opportunities I've created for myself, the experiences I've had, and what I've been able to turn this chapter of my life into.

I also like to believe that my dad gets to experience a little bit of life through me. That he gets to see all the beautiful places I travel to and the memories I make. Traveling was something he never really got to do, and I hope that through my experiences, he gets to see a little more of the world, too.

And while I may never get to sit down with my dad again and ask him if he's proud of the person I'm becoming, I truly believe he still finds ways to guide me and encourage me.

Recently, I experienced something that reminded me of exactly that.

One morning, I woke up next to my friend, and for the first time, I actually said out loud that I wanted to go back to school. We spent the next hour talking about my future, my dreams, and all the things I wanted to accomplish. It was the first time I had really allowed myself to imagine taking that next step.

That same morning, I happened to be wearing a Tupac sweatshirt. My dad absolutely loved Tupac, and I remember wishing so badly that I could show him my sweatshirt because I knew he would have loved it.

A few hours later, I was walking to the grocery store, listening to my sad music, as usual. I was on Spotify trying to shuffle my playlist, but in order to do that, I had to click on another playlist first. Without even looking, I happened to click on the playlist my brothers and I had made of all my dad's favorite songs.

And what was the very first song that played? Tupac.

Now, that alone would have been special to me, considering I had just been thinking about my dad and wearing my Tupac sweatshirt that morning. But what really gave me chills was what the song was saying.

The lyrics were talking about the exact line of work I'm currently in, going back to school, making money, and changing your life for the better. It was almost word for word what I had just spent an hour talking about with my friend that morning.

I immediately got chills throughout my entire body.

And right then, I knew it was my dad.

I knew that was his way of encouraging me to take that next step, to keep chasing my dreams, and to continue building a life that makes me happy.

I didn't take that moment as my dad telling me he wasn't proud of who I was. I took it as him reminding me that I still have so much ahead of me and encouraging me to keep growing into the person I'm meant to become.

And that is a moment I will carry with me forever.

And now, starting Monday, October 26, I'll officially be going back to school full-time online to study interior design, something I've been passionate about for almost my entire life.

If you're wondering what this means for me going forward, yes, I will still be working and traveling, although it will be much less than what I'm used to. I'll be focusing on making my work trips more meaningful and intentional as I learn to balance my career with school.

With that being said, this also means that in just a few years, I plan to retire from my current profession and fully focus on the next chapter of my life. It's definitely going to be a big change, but it's one I'm incredibly excited about. I'm grateful for everything this career has given me: the opportunities I've had, the friendships I've made, the places I've traveled, and the experiences that have helped shape me into the person I am today. But I'm also excited to see what the future has in store for me.

I also want to personally thank every single one of you who sent your condolences and supported me during this difficult time. It was so reassuring to see the incredible support system this profession has given me and to realize how many genuine friendships I've made along the way. Having people who truly cared about me and took the time to make sure I was okay meant more than I can put into words. I am beyond thankful for each and every one of you.

And for those of you who have lost a loved one, I am so sorry. I'm sorry that life can be so unfair and that the people we love have to leave this Earth. If I could change one thing about this world, it would be that everyone could live forever. Unfortunately, I don't have that power, but please know that you're never alone, and I'm always here if you need someone to talk to.

Although these may be some of the hardest moments of our lives, there is still so much beauty in this world, so much love to give, so many memories to make, and so much life left to experience. I hope you never stop finding reasons to smile, even on the days when it feels impossible.

And to my dad,

I love you so, so, so much, and I miss you every single day. Thank you for being my father, my coach, and my biggest supporter. Thank you for loving my brothers and I and for giving us memories that we will carry with us for the rest of our lives.

Please continue to watch over our entire family. I know I'm going to see you again one day, and until then, please keep showing me signs that you're still with me and guiding me down the right path.

I promise to keep living, growing, and making the most of this beautiful life, just like I know you would want me to.

I love you, always.

Love, your little pumpkin. ❤️